


Miracle away

by Himitsu_no



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Come, I'm so sorry for this, M/M, REALLY GROSS OK, crackfic, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:41:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21690304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Himitsu_no/pseuds/Himitsu_no
Summary: In almost every Ineffable smut they miracle themselves clean. But what happens to these fluids? Where do they go?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 50
Kudos: 129





	Miracle away

There are many wonderful things about evolution. The marvels of technology, for example.

Over here, in recent years we’ve gone from bulky telephones attached to the walls and enormous cameras on tripods to instantly taking pictures and sending them to devices that fit (mostly) in our palms.

This did not go unnoticed by Heaven, that quickly adapted the tech to its needs.

Take the Archangel Gabriel, for instance. For every miracle the angels under his responsibility perform, his device dings and a message is shown on screen.

Not that there are _that_ many angels under his responsibility. In fact, there should be _none_ , once the only one went rogue. _Aziraphale_ , he’d think the name with contempt. He should have fallen, and Gabriel didn’t even know _why_ he still got these notifications whenever the angel performed a miracle. He had meant to ask how to turn them off but never really got to it.

Once upon a time he reprimanded Aziraphale for all sorts of frivolous miracles, from doubling the oysters on his plate to saving children and drowned puppies, but truth be told – he couldn’t care less. What he _did_ care about was the massive amount of reports, one for each miracle: each miracle was sheet of paper he had to read, sign, and choose what to do. It would be an astonishing amount to go over at the end of the day, and he couldn’t be bothered to write down what should be done to every article the angel miraculously made disappear, or what to put in its spot when he made it appear elsewhere.

Nowadays, though. The marvels of technology!

Oh, would you look at that! Whenever _Aziraphale_ , he thought with contempt, made something disappear, its image would pop on his screen with the options: Disintegrate / Store. The app could have been developed to show more options, but it was a promising start nevertheless.

And quite handy, specially now that he didn’t want to deal with him _at all_. He could just repeatedly disintegrate everything without even thinking about it, and that made him _really_ happy. He loved being this happy.

So he was about to disintegrate yet another frivolous something when it caught his eye.

“What in God’s name… is this?”

Sandalphon overheard and looked at Gabriel’s device. “What’s _that_?”

“Another miracle by the traitor.”

“Oh. What is it?”

“I have no idea. Should… Should I store it, then?”

“But if you don’t know what it is…”

“Know what _what_ is?”, piped in Michael.

“This.”

“Looks like some sort of fluid…”

“Is it cream? For a pie.”

“Could be.”

“Maybe it’s spilled milk?”

“Isn’t milk supposed to be white?”

“Maybe it’s that low-fat milk kind. I don’t what kind of cow produces that, to be honest.”

“Nah, I don’t think it’s milk. Juice, maybe?”

“Could be. What a ditz! And using miracles instead of cleaning up. I don’t have time for this!”

“But what kind of juice could be that color?”

“Doesn’t matter! I’ll disintegrate it!”

“It looks sticky.”

“Aren’t you at least curious?”

“ _Fine_. I’ll bring it in,” he sighed dramatically and hit _Store_.

The three of them walked into the Lab where so many great things had been idealized and created. Modifications on insects, fungus, human organs… you name it.

A jar sat on top of the cool steel-like table with said substance in it. It was whiter when it appeared on Gabriel’s screen, but now was transparent.

The Archangel picked it up and opened the lid. The smell was unpleasant and very strong.

“Doesn’t this resemble the smell of that thing they clean the floor with?”

“What thing?”

“That stuff you don’t want anywhere near your suits.”

“Oh, of course! That stains! Well, I suppose… yes, it smells very similar. What in God’s name _is_ it?”

“Is it edible?” asked Sandalphon.

“I don’t see why not. It’s not like anything could kill us, without corporations,” he tried to joke and wound up with the same face as every single time he’s tried to joke and the other angels just smiled without much enthusiasm.

Cleaning their throat, Michael opened the third drawer on the cabinet behind them and pulled out a pack of transparent and very small disposable plastic spoons.

“Are those plastic?”

“We’re in _Heaven_. Nobody cares.”

Roughly ten minutes earlier in London, Aziraphale hummed and kissed his demon’s lips. It was lazy and it was languid, because he was sleepy and so worn out. A smile crept up his lips when Crowley mumbled something like _Hot damn. And one hell of a messy business, too_ , but there was no disgust or regret in his voice. If anything, he sounded like he was floating on Caribbean sea and breathing as if he’d been underwater for too deliciously long.

“Quite. Don’t worry, dearest, I’ll take care of it,” Aziraphale said briefly and snapped his fingers. Crowley looked at him funny.

“Won’t that get you in trouble?”

“I doubt they still bother to check what I’ve been up to.”

Gabriel made a weird face and kept licking his lips, trying to find a match in the restrict database of a brain with almost zero human experience.

“Tastes weird,” he said.

“It’s not that bad,” said Sandalphon in his raised eyebrows.

Michael still gagged.

The door flew open and Uriel walked in. “What’s going on?”

“We’re trying to figure out what this is. Where have you been?? Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I was drawing Mary in a grilled cheese in Texas. What’s that?”

“We don’t know.”

“Where did it come from?”

“It was one of Aziraphale’s disappearance miracles. Care to chip in? We’re running tests. So far milk, juice and cream have been discarded.”

“But not bleach!”

“It doesn’t taste like bleach!”

“Have you tried that?”

“No! But I would know… I think.”

Uriel made a face at Gabriel and Sandalphon taking turns in sticking their hands in the jar and scraping the bottom of it for more of the fluid.

“Stop that!”

They ignored them and stuck their respective spoons in their mouths.

“Are you serious?? You really don’t know??”

“Why, do you??”

“Yes!! What is wrong with you??”

Gabriel looked confused between Michael and Sandalphon. “Enlighten us.”

“That’s…,” they struggled. “You know he’s been… uh, fraternizing with the demon, don’t you? We all know it.”

“Yes! Disgusting!!”

“Which leads me to believe… that might be…”

Gabriel stretched his neck toward Uriel. “Yes…”

“Come.”

Gabriel took a step forward.

“What are you doing,” Uriel complained of the invasion of their space and took a step back.

“I’m here! We’re all here,” he replied stupidly.

“I meant, that’s called _come_ on Earth.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” he scowled as he licked the spoon.

Uriel looked at the spoon. “From… From… sexual intercourse.”

Michael covered her mouth and ran out of the room. The remaining angels looked at each other and, for the first time, cursed.

Crowley sighed and pulled his angel closer, their foreheads touching. He was drifting off when a thought occurred to him. “Do you ever wonder where the things we miracle away go?”

“I’d never thought of that.”

“Wouldn’t it be hilarious if someone had to decided what to do with them?”

“Oh my, cleaning up our mess would be quite disturbing, wouldn’t it.”

Well. Perhaps this time _lapping up_ would be more suitable, every bit as disturbing as it seems. Michael is still hidden somewhere shuddering.

In Hell, nobody would ever know. They barely knew what a computer was, and the vast majority of demons thought a _lap-top_ was something white humans put in their over-expensive coffee.

No mobile devices, then. A true blessing, ironically.

Somewhere in the Universe God wiped tears from her eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this. looool  
> Leave a comment? ;)


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